Starting all over again...
Today marks two months since my moving to Germany.
Starting all over again…
Today marks two months since my moving to Germany. And even though I made a great plan on how to start off this blog with a mind map on which topics to tackle, this is my first official blog post from Europe… 61 days later! 61 days of change.
And change was a lot different what I thought change would be like. I thought that by facing it head on I could control it. Nope. I thought that it would be somehow glamorous, romantic or extravagant. Nope, it is not, at least not up until now. I thought that because I chose change I would know what would be happening and how I would feel. Nope, not one single bit.
And you know why change meant so much more change for me than I had thought? Because I thought it would just be my surroundings, that it would be where I lived, how I earned my money and maybe how I looked. I wasn’t aware that it was so much more about my inside.
A few days ago I read an article online titled “Things women should do by the age of 40”. One of them was “Starting all over again”. And there it was again…this romantic idea of someone packing up their belongings, jumping into the car and driving off into the sunset, chasing a dream and encountering all the helpful synchronicities and circumstances on the way including meeting one’s soulmate, inheriting a house on the beach and being discovered as an artist the world was waiting for.
I am still waiting for all of these things to happen… In my experience so far, “Starting all over again” means starting all over again inside of you at the same time as you are starting all over again on the outside. And that’s what I think makes it so exhausting as well as exciting. Yes, I do have to admit that at moments it is very exciting but not as much as I thought it would. And very different from the “exciting” I had anticipated. I am learning, I am learning a lot. And mostly I am learning about things I wouldn’t have chosen to learn about… so much for having it all under control. The most exhausting I find is that I am constantly in situations and roles, which I am not familiar with. In the last few weeks I worked as a consultant (how do you do that?) doing something I wasn’t particular keen on (how did that happen?), setting up a business (numbers? really?), wanting to be a blogger (well, ya…) staying in my childhood bedroom (now that is super glamorous!). I also enrolled in a training course on communications, which happens once a month for 3 days. When I went there two weeks ago, I was thrilled and you know why? Because I knew how to do it. I have been to trainings before, I have been in groups before where I know no one, I can be funny and speak in front of and with other people. It was fantastic because I knew “how to do it” and I was just indulging in it. All the other roles in my life at present are unfamiliar to me. 5% they are exciting, 95% of the time they feel like a dress that I haven’t worn before and am still not sure I like it or if it suits me. But we’ll see. Maybe sometimes I don’t have to keep a dress for life but check which other styles are out there. And I already know that there are a couple of unfamiliar styles out there for me in 2018.
Change is hard at first, messy in the middle, and gorgeous at the end, says Robin Sharma. I am not sure where I am at, probably jumping back and forth between hard and messy. But it’s ok. Even though it isn’t as glamorous as I thought. And I surely do not have anything under control and it is quite lonely at times. But did I have a choice of not doing it? No, because it was time. It was time for change and hell, yes, I would do it again.
I know it will be gorgeous one day! I will keep you posted.